Thursday, April 7, 2016

Where Faith Meets Reality

I have been struggling to come up with another post.


Because I don't know how much I really want to share or how much people would really want to read. Speaking up about my strange lip situation, that was easy because as embarrassing as it was, I knew it would be ok. I keep thinking maybe I should have just stuck with recipes and not tried to expand on this whole life thing. But, over the years I was slowly expanding the concept.

So what has the struggle been? Well, it's shame. Shame for the situation I find myself in. Shame that I feel I have let my loved ones down. Shame that I have let God down. Shame that I will be starting a marriage with what feels like nothing. Shame that I failed.

Don't get me wrong, I know none of that is true. My loved ones aren't disappointed in me. That I have a lot to offer the world and my future marriage. That I haven't let God down. I haven't actually failed at anything. But my daily struggle with not finding another job, not getting into internships to be a dietitian, feeling I have fallen short on this whole journey of becoming a dietitian is a struggle. Asking God what is my next step? Where do I go from here? Why hasn't another door opened up yet? Did I make the wrong choice? How will this all work out for me, my future, my fiances, my education, my marriage, my career? Now what?

I am not trying to get anything from anyone, do not mistake that. I am telling you where I am at the moment. Lost. Lost and praying, a lot. A lot, a lot. I trust God. 100% There is no doubt in that. What I don't know, draws me closer in my faith that I love a God who is looking out for me (Ezekiel 34:12). Who has the best in mind for me. Who has great plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). My patience is being tested right now. My worry and anxiety, both of which do not come from the Lord, are rising in me. I am trying very hard to not let them take over. It works most days but then a bill comes, I need to register for the upcoming semester, I need food, gas in my car, a thing for the wedding, and the list piles up and the fear of unknowing sets in. It just takes one moment and then the whole day of relying on God seems shattered. It's not true, I know, but its hard this whole waiting time period.

Applying to jobs and never getting word from any, going on an interview months ago and not hearing anything since, writing emails as followups that go un-responded. What has happened to the job world? Why are people so forgetting of what it is like to be in this position. I know I am not the only one here in this spot. So I give us all hope. Things will get better. God is on our side. He loves us. He has perfect timing. I know this to be true. The wait, the faith, the trust continues. Days will be hard, but I will not falter.

Thank you for letting me be honest with where I am. With what has been burdening me to not write because I feared people do see me as a failure. That I lost sight of being an adult and was selfish for quitting a job that made me miserable. I thought long and hard about that point. I could be still in the position, hating every moment of it, asking God why he placed me there, making money, but suffering in all other aspects of my life. Then I remember that is no way to live and definitely not the way God would have wanted me to. I did make the mistake of not having a full back up plan, I will admit that, but I am happy in a sense that I have my sanity. Where God needs me to be is here for this moment, I will work on that for now.