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Monday, September 11, 2017

Oh What a New Chapter I am In

That's for sure.

With my past, all the harm an eating disorder does on your body (even if it was "good" intentions that started it, harm is still done), I had come to terms with the possibility of not conceiving. Even Nick was open to the idea of adoption (not saying that door has closed) and my mom was getting use to grand-beardies.

But God is great and can use any situation for His good. And He sure is using my broken body for His good and showing me His redeeming power. We are expecting. It brings tears, even weeks later, to my eyes to write those words down. I am going to be a mom to a little person I am making inside my body. I get to feel every kick, every hiccup, every ache and pain along the way, and then I get to hold that little one in my arms and welcome it to this world. Then with Nick's and our families help along with God's guidance, we get to raise that little person to be whatever God has in store for them.

AMAZING!!!

Motherhood is sure going to be one of the hardest, most challenging chapters of my life, but I have a wonderful husband who I get to parent with, and he is going to be an amazing father. So, I look forward to it. But there are sure a lot of things going on now that I need to get use to first.

How about a changing body. Like every day changing body. Watching your belly, the one spot you don't really want to get big, get big is a huge struggle. Yes I understand the beauty in it all, but coming from the eating disorder, body disorder perspective, its a struggle at times. Then having people say what they mean to be nice words but actually sting just a little to you is even harder.

What I mean is, in the beginning (cause I am definitely showing now) was being told repeatedly of how I don't look pregnant, Which, yes, is meant as a compliment, but deep down it would sting. My body was not (is not) the body I am use to. Coming from wedding body, the fittest and proudest I had been about my body in a while, to an expanding waistline is hard. Looking in the mirror and not seeing what you use to is hard. Not fitting in clothes like you use to is hard. And yes, I get it. Other people struggle with this but in a different way, ie gaining weight, working hard to lose weight, and having their own struggles of the sort. I am not in any way downplaying those emotions. I am trying to explain how I felt each time someone told me I was not allowed to feel uncomfortable in my own changing body. Even though I know that is not what they meant, it was how I took it.

We all need to remember that each individual has their own bag of struggles and thoughts, and we need to respect them. Watching what and how we say something. And those of us taking in those words need to remember that the person is not attacking you, they probably have no idea what is going on inside your head and your body. So let's love one another in every step we take. There's enough hate and damage going on in the world without our words adding to it.

Take a step back today, hug someone you love, tell them how beautiful they are, how great they are doing, and remind them they are loved for just the way they are.

Thanks for taking the time to read this today. It was hard during those first few months getting use to my changing body, fitting hard to not let old thoughts take over, and coming to terms with this new body I am going to have. Each day there is something new, a back pain, knee pain, elbow pain?- yea just today this one started, then went- strange, and a little bit bigger of a belly. I'm coming up to 23 weeks this Wednesday.  Just 4 more weeks to be in that third and final trimester, and then seeing the crazy evolution of those weeks. Then before I know it little one will be here.

We are not finding out the gender, so it going to be even more of a surprising day.

Until next time. <3

And I would like to send a prayer out to all those who are remembering the events of today. My heart breaks for the loved ones lost. The world was never the same after those events. And we continue to fight forward each day but never forgetting. September 11, 2001.