Monday, September 11, 2017

Oh What a New Chapter I am In

That's for sure.

With my past, all the harm an eating disorder does on your body (even if it was "good" intentions that started it, harm is still done), I had come to terms with the possibility of not conceiving. Even Nick was open to the idea of adoption (not saying that door has closed) and my mom was getting use to grand-beardies.

But God is great and can use any situation for His good. And He sure is using my broken body for His good and showing me His redeeming power. We are expecting. It brings tears, even weeks later, to my eyes to write those words down. I am going to be a mom to a little person I am making inside my body. I get to feel every kick, every hiccup, every ache and pain along the way, and then I get to hold that little one in my arms and welcome it to this world. Then with Nick's and our families help along with God's guidance, we get to raise that little person to be whatever God has in store for them.


Motherhood is sure going to be one of the hardest, most challenging chapters of my life, but I have a wonderful husband who I get to parent with, and he is going to be an amazing father. So, I look forward to it. But there are sure a lot of things going on now that I need to get use to first.

How about a changing body. Like every day changing body. Watching your belly, the one spot you don't really want to get big, get big is a huge struggle. Yes I understand the beauty in it all, but coming from the eating disorder, body disorder perspective, its a struggle at times. Then having people say what they mean to be nice words but actually sting just a little to you is even harder.

What I mean is, in the beginning (cause I am definitely showing now) was being told repeatedly of how I don't look pregnant, Which, yes, is meant as a compliment, but deep down it would sting. My body was not (is not) the body I am use to. Coming from wedding body, the fittest and proudest I had been about my body in a while, to an expanding waistline is hard. Looking in the mirror and not seeing what you use to is hard. Not fitting in clothes like you use to is hard. And yes, I get it. Other people struggle with this but in a different way, ie gaining weight, working hard to lose weight, and having their own struggles of the sort. I am not in any way downplaying those emotions. I am trying to explain how I felt each time someone told me I was not allowed to feel uncomfortable in my own changing body. Even though I know that is not what they meant, it was how I took it.

We all need to remember that each individual has their own bag of struggles and thoughts, and we need to respect them. Watching what and how we say something. And those of us taking in those words need to remember that the person is not attacking you, they probably have no idea what is going on inside your head and your body. So let's love one another in every step we take. There's enough hate and damage going on in the world without our words adding to it.

Take a step back today, hug someone you love, tell them how beautiful they are, how great they are doing, and remind them they are loved for just the way they are.

Thanks for taking the time to read this today. It was hard during those first few months getting use to my changing body, fitting hard to not let old thoughts take over, and coming to terms with this new body I am going to have. Each day there is something new, a back pain, knee pain, elbow pain?- yea just today this one started, then went- strange, and a little bit bigger of a belly. I'm coming up to 23 weeks this Wednesday.  Just 4 more weeks to be in that third and final trimester, and then seeing the crazy evolution of those weeks. Then before I know it little one will be here.

We are not finding out the gender, so it going to be even more of a surprising day.

Until next time. <3

And I would like to send a prayer out to all those who are remembering the events of today. My heart breaks for the loved ones lost. The world was never the same after those events. And we continue to fight forward each day but never forgetting. September 11, 2001.

Saturday, March 4, 2017


As many of you, just as I, may be unaware that this past week (today is the last day) of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. The theme of this years week is "It's time to TALK ABOUT IT."

I wanted to add a little bit more of my story to this week. In the past I have opened up about my eating disorder, but now that was years ago and it isn't a thing that just goes away, rather it is something to choose not to do any more. You choose to fight it every single day.  And sometimes it wins and sometimes you win.

So lets talk more about it. What it is like in the mind of recovery...

Every morning I wake up and thank God for another day. I pray that it will be a good day. Good choices will be made and I honor myself and my body. Then I drink coffee and go about my day.

But what about breakfast- yea that is something I struggle with now and it has been for about 3 years. I very rarely eat breakfast. I was getting better for a bit there just last year and would have some nuts and an apple but it didn't last long. Why? I twisted this idea of intermiten fasting I heard on a podcast a few years ago and it stuck with me. Maybe not the "right" way to do it, but I developed it into my way of doing it. That means- drink coffee and go about your day until lunch time.

Lunch is my first meal and usually is what ever my heart desires, my budget allowed,  and what I cooked for that week. Roasted veggies and a salad, avocado toast, squash toast, tacos, you name it.  And it depends on when I eat this meal because for the past 8 months I have been in an internship to be a real dietitian and thank goodness because dietitians love to eat on a time schedule so it was usually around 12:30/1pm.

Then I go about the rest of my day. Sometimes fighting off hunger because I need to go home and workout. So I would and then I get meal #2. Shock again yes, I eat twice a day usually. (I'll go into it further in a minute.) This meal is usually more of a breakfast type meal of banana bread with almond butter and fruit, oh and chocolate chips, with a side of cashew milk. Then I call it a day. Maybe sometimes I grab some more almond butter, nuts, and chocolate or fruit and milk depending on my hunger level  (or what my mind wants) and then on most nights I go to bed feeling as though I failed another day because I didn't do what I really should have.

So is this really the mind of a person who recovered from an eating disorder? Maybe not so much anymore, but 3 years ago- yes. I just don't know her any more or how to get back to there. But maybe that is the point. I don't necessarily want to go back tot here but rather reach a new level of me with a balance of food.

Food is my tigger. Food will forever be my trigger. Food is what I want to make my life about. Help others with food, with their disorders, help them recover. So why can't I fix myself? I dream about eating like everyone else, not overthinking each bite, not beating my self up when I push too far, and then start the same cycle the next day with that last thought of tomorrow I will do better. Its horrible. It is no way to live. I'm too old for this. But you know is my pattern. When I get too stressed it is what my mind and body knows is "safe" for me to control again. So I do, without even realizing it until it is too late and I find myself right back here- in a relapse. And it sucks.

So I am choosing to talk about it. To be open and real about it. Because I know someone else out there is going through the same thing and needs to know they are not alone. None of us are. And we need that to be known. I am taking steps to make myself better, to help me go back down the path of recovery and not fear.

Make sure you talk about it too- what ever that thing is that eats away at you. If you don't it will start to control you and take a part of you away with it. It is time to TALK ABOUT IT.


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Retire From Self-Care

I borrowed this title from a Joyce Meyer's devotional book "Ending Your Day Right."

Why, because it hit me hard. It perfectly explains my current life situation to a tee.

The verse for the devotional: Acts 16:31
"Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ [give yourself to Him, take yourself out of your own keeping and entrust yourself into His keeping] and you will be saved."

The rest of the devotional spoke about how taking control of your life, the current situation you are in, and not fully entrusting it to God really puts a damper on all of it. Creating your own sense of independence from God means you are better than Him, know better than Him, and that He cannot handle your life the way you want. All of this is a fear driven desire of control.

It is common, if you think about it. You have probably done it time and time again and not even realized it. I know I sure have, many, a many times. But I have also let things go out of my hands and where I am right now is testament of that.

So I haven't blogged in what a year now, again, and I always blame it on my business. Which to an extent is true, but if I have any sort of desire to make this a real thing (blogging) I need to change my priorities, I know and am working on it. But something I haven't been able to share is that right after I got married, God worked His ways and answered a prayer that I had been praying all year. I was accepted (after being turned down, well actually not even looked at) into a dietetic internship. I believe I was turned down so that I could focus on my wedding, not have too much added stress at that moment, and then boom let it happen. God knows me and my stress capacity.

A long time ago, right before going back to finish my bachelor's degree, God spoke to me and told me I would become a dietitian, and believed Him. Well, sort of. It was/is a lot of work to do this whole dietitian thing. Currently I am not working because my internship is a 40+ hours a week (40 hours at a site plus all the course work and assignments I need to complete) job that I pay an institution to be able to do. First year of marriage (a year you never get back) with no income. YAY! =/ It puts a strain on certain things, but I am blessed with an amazing husband who knows all of this is God's plan for me and it is for our future. He encourages me everyday to keep at it, keep fighting, and it will all pay off.

If I never trusted in my Lord, none of this would be happening. I would have given up with trying to be a dietitian, which I had already. But God works in all ways possible to make sure His plan for me was going to happen.

Never give up. Allow God to work in your life, in every situation. And above all else TRUST in Him, He loves you more than you can ever fathom.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given to me last year and all this year will bring.

<3 Stephanie Kile =] my new last name!!!