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Sunday, July 15, 2018

Living That Postpartum Life

How in the world is he 6 months already? (really next Wednesday he will be 6 months, but close enough)

Neiko can almost sit up all on his own. He loves to bounce around now, as in using his legs to jump, all the time, even while laying, haha. Some teeth might be coming in any day now because everything and I mean everything goes in his mouth and he bites, like really bites. He laughs, smiles, recognizes people and voices, can roll over from back to front and front to back, and is such a happy little butt (one of his many nicknames). We will be starting solids this week!!

I have an idea of how I will be introducing solid foods. I am probably starting with green beans. I wanted to do avocado, but maybe will make that food #2, then introducing other 4-6 month foods.  I want to wait a little bit until I introduce sweet foods just cause he's probably going to love those more than peas and green beans and then I will move on too 6-8 month food including meats (chicken, turkey and protein sources like tofu and beans). Yes, I said meats. I will not make Neiko be a vegan. I want him to make the choice when and if he wants too. But I want to give vegetables and fruits first over grains because I want him to get a wider variety of vitamins and minerals and to get use to these foods before he gets grains.

Okay so that's my Neiko update. Now for my mommy update.

Where to begin... how about this, I have made my first mommy mistakes. There have been head bumps, almost falls, and falls. He fell off my bed the other morning. It was traumatic for me more than him probably. He did a belly/face landing on the ground, cried, but after eating he was acting like himself. There will definitely be more mommy fails to come, that's for sure.

Now I want to talk about the ups and downs of being a new mom. Somethings we never talk about but really need to.

Some typical things we know like hair loss- this was such a thing for me. I jokingly texted a friend saying I think I could have a wig of my own hair. Yes, it was that much coming out. Handfuls in the shower, brushing, and just running my hands through my hair clumps would come out. Being a women, hair is kind of a big thing, it's part of our identity. I've been told it stops around 6 months. Mine might have slowed down, but its still falling out. I take extra biotin to help mine grow but honestly have been thinking of taking collagen to boost it even more. I will let you know if I do decide to do so. It will be a tough decision because it's not vegan.

I love breastfeeding, it is a wonderful thing the female body does. WE PRODUCE FOOD FOR OUR BABIES! God you are truly amazing the way you created the female body. But after a while it becomes a bit frustrating. The society we live in still isn't fully use to it, the logistics of it can be messy, and the clothes- nope! Society tells us breastfeeding is best, yet not all people are open to it. I mean I'm not flashing my boobs in public, but I don't want to feed him in the bathroom, covered up completely (you do need to see what you and the little one are doing while they eat), but not everywhere makes it easy for us to feed our babies. This really, really needs to change. The logistics of feeding a baby who gets distracted, makes you leak, and then sometimes just doesn't want to eat but your body is ready, is all frustrating. Once you get the hang of the latching and the rhythm of feeding, it gets easier, but still sometimes you just want to wear a cute dress. But you can't. I never bought nursing clothes (only a few tanks for home wear) because they are super expensive. And some are really ugly. So I've just made it work, but summer and feeding, its hot and not all that appealing. But I plan to keep at it. And yes, I do pump, but I work 2 days a week to be able to be a stay at home mom and feed in the comfort of my home most of the time. I'm not going to lie, I do look forward to the day we wean, but I know once that day comes I'm going to be feeling differently.

Something I want to touch on is maybe going to make some people look at me differently, but I hope not. I want to touch on those first few days and weeks. Don't be alarmed if you don't instantly fall in love with this new human. Just because they came out of you doesn't mean anything. Honestly it took me probably 3 weeks to really fall in love with Neiko. But once I did, I fell hard. Those first weeks are truly survival mode. You are still figuring out life, this new life you are now living, hopefully as a family. You are sleep deprived. You don't know what he wants. You are trying to get the hang of breastfeeding or putting a bottle together. You are trying to learn his cues. Its rough. Really, really rough. I feel like Nick was WAY better at those first few weeks than I because I just didn't love him the way he did. I didn't play with him the way he did. I compared and I compared hard. I got the logistics down during that time. Like how to change a diaper, how to feed, when to feed, what to pack in the diaper bag, how to clean, etc. But I didn't get that mushy feeling. Not until one day when things just became a bit easier, my normal was falling into place, that's when it happened. Don't get me wrong, I felt for my child, but I didn't feel the way I thought I was suppose to. How everyone tells you you should feel with a baby. It just kind of happened one day. I'm not sure of the exact moment, but one day that little face, those little eyes, they just penetrated my heart and I fell. My message is that it is normal however you feel those first postpartum days, weeks, and months. You are doing great, you did great. You will go at your own pace, but that old saying of when it's your child you will feel differently, I think it's true. Once that baby is yours and in this world, something chemically changes inside of a woman (and a man, fathers don't have it easy either, but that's a whole other post) and your maternal instincts come out. Yes, it may not be true for all women but for most I believe it is.

I'm going to throw a few different but very related themes into this paragraph to hopefully not make this post too long. Postpartum anxiety, figuring out this new You, mommy guilt, and selfishness. Postpartum depression is talked about all the time, but we rarely discuss anxiety and postpartum. If you have anxiety without being a mom, just be prepared that it could worsen. Things are very overwhelming for all moms, but especially so being a new mom. Most of the time you second guess yourself and then feel that others are judging you (well because in our society most of the time they are and they tell you they are). You have your good days but you also have your bad days. When I am  alone, I find those days to be worse. Sometimes you just want to get 1 thing done (like eat), but it never happens. Being trapped inside can worsen feelings of anxiety. Neiko was born in the winter, it wasn't like I could just go out for a walk those first few months, but even the logistics of that can be overwhelming. So take things slow and once you get good at one task, you work on another. But babies grow and need more attention, so just give yourself some slack. I know those words mean well, but don't always apply to every situation. So make sure you talk about it. Talk to someone about how you feel and when you need a break. It is okay to do so. That's when mommy guilt sets in. Yay (cue sarcasm). You feel guilty when ever you do something for yourself. That first time I left the house without him I felt amazing, at first. I didn't miss him, until the thoughts came flooding in: how is he doing, does he miss me, is he hungry, will I get back and be able to pee before I have to feed him. Yup those are all true thoughts. I've learned that I need to take time to be myself and he will be fine with another person for a little bit. Actually, it is very healthy for him to be with other people, but that will be a different post. Now this new you, the you are you but you're not you. Your going to have to discover you. You are a mom. I am Neiko's mom. People care about Neiko before they do me. (They don't mean too, but it happens.) You still love the things you use to love, but now you have less time to spend on them. You are not you because you feel all sorts of new feelings now. Your body is you, but it's not you. Its changed. It's different. You are different. You just need to take time to discover this new you. And that is okay. You will have times of selfishness where you just want to be that old you, but you can't always be her. You want to just sleep in a little longer. You just want to go out without having to triple think if you are missing anything. You just want to go to the grocery store and make it an easy trip. You just want to shower in peace. You can't. There is someone depending on you now. These feelings all come and go, they are kind of your new normal too. You are going to have to feel them out, learn new coping skills, and rely on others to help and allow them to help. Trust me for your sanity you need to let others help.

And not my last topic I want to talk about is sometimes you just want to workout without feeling that anxiety of a baby cry and to get your body back. Postpartum body image. This is also part of the new you. The learning to love every stretch mark, every change, and reshape your image of you. Thankfully I worked out during my pregnancy (if you read the previous post you know I did a workout even the day of). That was my lifestyle choice and luckily I was able to, not everyone is medically able to do so. I listened to my body both during pregnancy and I am postpartum too. I think those first few weeks were the longest time frame I didn't workout in the past oh 8 years or so. I think my first workout was 3 or 4 weeks postpartum. I took it easy at first, but boy did it feel good to move again. It also felt great to take a few moments for myself. I was able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight about 2 weeks postpartum, I contribute that too the lifestyle I live, but I still had that post baby belly. I'm not sharing that to brag, but to tell you all I went through. I did lose muscle mass and strength during pregnancy, so my new fitness goal is to regain that strength, rebuild my core, and build up my endurance again. Goals I am still working on 6 months postpartum. I am getting use to my new body. I am in awe of what it did, where it has come from, and it continues to amaze me in these postpartum months.

Females are strong. We go through a lot during pregnancy and afterwards. We need to talk about it. About it ALL. We need to share our stories. Women need to know that how they feel is normal. Becoming a mom takes time. It's all a learning experience. If we all talk about every aspect, women will know what to expect more realistically.

Well, if you stuck with me until now, thank you. If you have any areas you want me to elaborate on, please let me know. I would love to chat or write more about any topic here or if you have a question on an area that I didn't touch on, please ask away. I would love to get deeper here on my blog, so help me do so.

Up next is my process of making baby food for Neiko! So, until then. <3