So this post isn't going to be about food, instead it is to get some things off my mind. So feel free to skip reading if you really only read to see a new recipe. I won't be offended. Just know that what I am about to say is rather personal and I felt a need to share, so you never know, it could help you in some way you never expected but honestly I'm writing all this because I felt like I need to... with that said I shall start, not sure how long this is going to get...
To start off I just want to say thanks to those of you that do read my blog and I try not to get too personal in my postings because that was never my purpose for this blog. I just really wanted to share my passion of food, cooking, and baking with people that cared. So thanks so much for your support.
Being a vegetarian has become such a huge part of me, for reasons other than health or humanity aspects like some others but I guess I really enveloped the life style because it is easier to hide in it. By which I mean you can restrict foods and you have a reason to, its built into the meaning of the word. Then being a vegan you can restrict even more, which could be even more perfect if you have the wrong reasons in becoming a vegan. I guess I did lie to myself putting tons of restrictions on the way I ate saying "Oh I'm doing this to be healthier" or "Oh this is for all the right reasons nothing really hidden here." Lies that's what they were.
I didn't fully understand what I was doing at the time but slowly an eating disorder crept into my life. How could this happen, you may ask yourself. Wouldn't you be fully aware if that was happening? Well yes and no. Funny thing is I was going to school (still am) for nutrition, so I should have known better. I just tend to react a lot differently to things, circumstances, then others. My brain likes to shut things off. Turn away, sweep it away and not look into it any further. Which is how I got to the point of my lowest- everything. I never let myself pay attention to what I was actually doing to myself. I just kept doing it not thinking about the future. Which took a huge toll on me. People that cared and love me were starting to notice, starting to see I wasn't right, I wasn't quite me any more. I lost that person somewhere on the road of having a disorder. (Just so you know I still hate saying that, it makes me feel like I'm weak or crazy because it happened to me but I'm not, if anything I'm really stronger because of it, I'll explain that more later.) So when did things fall apart for me?
I guess when I was 98lbs buying size 0 jeans when I knew that my body just didn't fit into that reality. I never wanted to be that way, never wanted a size 0. I remember saying to the girl at the store that I couldn't get myself to buy that size cause I shouldn't be that size. She probably thought I was crazy saying that because most females want to be a 0. Well I looked gross, really gross. I had weird bones protruding out of me, you could see every vertebrae in my back, I was getting strange spots on my skin where the bones would rub against my clothes. It was gross. I was dreading summer to have to wear a bathing suit and people would see how I really looked. My stomach also started to act strange. I wasn't ever really hungry, but I knew I had to eat, and when I would it hurt. I would get heart burn (but that isn't really the best way to describe how it felt) but I would feel like a rock was in my stomach and throat. So I went to the doctor to try to figure out what was wrong. I also went to go talk to someone to help me get better a therapist. At the time I was still against admitting I have a problem. But there is a new form of eating disorders not very known but it does exist called orthorexia. You become too strict on eating healthy and one takes it too the extreme.
For me to get better I had to change a lot about me. I was also, still am but not to the extreme anymore, a germaphobe. So I had to loosen up, eat more, allow myself to eat foods I restricted, and to find myself again. I knew this was going to be a long process. Because it wasn't just a food and health thing I was going to try to fix it was and is also mental. Something that you never get away from. All those years of me sweeping things under the rug, not looking back, trying to forget, not really dealing with the problem took its toll on me. Sad to say I was still very faithful, going to church, praying, but something was missing in my walk with God. I now know it was full trust. I have always had faith in God but never developed that trust in Him that He did know what was best for me, that He does know, and that He was going to use anything and anyway to get to me. So it that was an eating disorder, well He knows His plan for me and if that was the only way to get through to me, it worked. But still on my walk with Him I faced many challenges only to learn now that He was holding my hand the entire time waiting for me to realize it.
I now love me (working on it) but I can really say that I do. The other day at school one of the ladies in my class called her friend fat. (She, well neither of them are fat, but the one did just have a baby and that's why she called her fat.) I made a comment like hey watch it. She is Jamaican and said right your are of a different culture and take offense to things like that. I never thought of it that way. But then we were comparing fat rolls (haha yes I know such a womanly thing to do to boost confidence in ones body) but I said you know what I am proud of my fat. It took me a long time to get it back on my body. They looked at me like what?? I just mentioned I was too thin at one point and now I appreciate my fat, my body, for what it is. I am healthy, it functions properly, and sure I would like a 6 pack or at least a flat stomach, but that takes a lot of work. And I like food. I love to work out so yes I could train a bit harder, which I am starting to do, change my routine up more now, to get results I really want, but I no longer will restrict things from my diet just because. I know better than that now. Moderation! Running, I love running. Those endorphins just fuel me. That runners high. I could never give that up. I sometimes crave it, like I need to work out to get that feeling whenI'm stressed or upset. I still get in those moods where I don't feel like working out but I know how I will feel afterwards and that gives me the boost to go and do it. Beside no one else is going to do it for me.
God has given me many talents that I have taken for granted in the past. My ability to care, read peoples emotions, pay attention, listen, give advise, and to allow myself to be overcome by others emotions, to really understand what it is they are facing. These talents along with my own life experiences have molded me into the person, the woman, I am now. Even though I feel a little lost on my journey in life, I do trust God that I am on the right path, His path for me. I did all that I had to do, all that I had to face, all to lead me to where I am today. The mind is a very powerful thing, interesting and makes me want to understand it. Understand others. What makes them tick. Why they eat the way they do. What molded them into the person they are now. How actions and in actions have made them into the person they are now. I still have a deep passion for food and nutrition but I know that I'm suppose to help others. That my journey is now to finish school, become an RD, become a therapist, and pursue a career in helping people get better with their own eating disorders.
I'm not saying that I am 100% better with my own, I still have a lot to work on. But I am on the right path of getting better. I understand why I have gone through my challenges, because God knew I would be able to come out of them a stronger happier person, a better me. A me He always knew I would be, could be. I know it is going to take me forever to get to where I hope to be with my own practice or working in a school system as a therapist, and I know I have a lot of schooling to complete before I even get there. But bring it on! I'm finally ready to do this. It took me a long time to come to the decision for myself, to do it for me, no one else. If I help just one other person then it will be worth it. I didn't help that person for me but it was for God because He knew that I would be the only one to help and that amazes me. That my life is so much bigger then I really think.
Thank you to all of you (you know who you are) that have molded me, shaped me, challenged me, loved me, helped me, and have been inspirations to me. Without you in my life I would have never become me. My next chapter in life is going to be great and I can't wait to share it with all of you, here.
I know this was super personal and I thank you for all those that stuck it out and read it all. This was just something I felt like I had to share, God put it in my heart on my mind to let it be told. I needed to be held accountable. For what, well when I start saying I don't want to go down my path any more whether it be with school or my recovery, I just will have to come back to this post and remember it is all for a bigger reason. I also have a tendency that when things get hard I make excuses, and it is no longer time for excuses its time for actions. Its my time to make things happen for the good, for me, and for others around me. I'm no longer waiting on the side line of life. Nope.
I know I had a few other things I wanted put in this little lament of mine (when I had it written out in my head I touched on other things that right now I can't remember) and I hate that I can't remember what they were. Things always sound sooo much better in my head then when I actually try to get them out.
Here is to the next chapter!