And Just Like That

When did I blink and seem to miss everything?

Yes that is such a cliche thing to say at this time of year, but I really mean it.

How did Christmas come and go and 2019 is around the corner? I just gave birth to the human that was growing inside of me for a majority of 2017. Then blink, it's been a year. And what a year it has been.

It doesn’t feel like that long ago Neiko was born but when I look back at all that happened and how big he is now, I get how parents say it goes by fast. And that saying, the nights are long but the years are short, has way more power. Those first few months I would wake up and just think of how many hours until I could drink coffee in the morning. That was how I got through those nights. And now, while he still is waking up, I’ve gotten more use to it and use to sleep deprivation. My hormones haven’t but I feel like most days I have.

The ups and downs of this first year were filled with health scares, good news, and a personality developing. Neiko has an innocent heart murmur, the same blood disorder his father and his father’s family have (spherocytosis), and then the fun when we had to get skull x-rays and MRI’s for a scare about his developing brain/skull. We were looking into getting him a helmet for the flat part of the back of his skull, but then found out it was absolutely nothing (the results of he xray and MRI) and never got the helmet. His head is fine and round now. And man on man is he a jokester. He loves to give kisses, bang on any and everything (wonder why and that includes his head, on purpose), and boy does he love big. His naughty side is coming out too. “Like I’m too cute mom, why can’t I touch the garbage can?”

This Christmas I felt like a mom-failure for not really getting him much. Both Nick and I got him a book. And we aren’t planning a big first birthday. We know we don’t have to explain why to people, but the truth is we rather save the money. He isn’t going to remember these days except through pictures and honestly neither are we. So why not wait to give the big things when memories can be really made.

Mom life isn’t something anyone can really prepare for. Neither is being a dad. We are thankful to be living with my parents and younger brother because they help us out when they can. Just helping distract him with baby shark for the uptenth time so I can finish a workout or take a shower or eat is appreciated way more than I can express. I don’t know how we would have gotten through this year without them being right there. Yes, we would have had to figure it out but I’m glad we didn’t have to. Plus, Neiko has a special bond with each of them. Nanny, Pop-pop, and Uncle Mikey can make him light up when they come home from work or come out of their bedroom in the morning. Its really cute to watch.

Learning to accept help was hard but something I definitely gave into more recently. I’m still breastfeeding so Neiko is still very dependant on me. When that changes I know there is going to be a bit of a shift in that dependency. He’s going to shift to wanting to be his own person with only kinda sort of relying on me for things. I’m selfishly ready to be done breastfeeding. No more leaks, I get to wear a dress, it will be nice. And hopefully no more night time feeding.

That issues is a whole other thing. Neiko is in our room, pretty much right next to our bed. There is no space for a separator and there isn’t really a different room to put him in. So once we/I go to bed, he wakes up and wants to join us in bed. Some nights I can get him to sleep a few extra hours in his crib, but he usually ends up with us at some point. Co-sleeping isn’t something I ever really thought about before it sort of happened. (Actually a lot of this parenting stuff I never thought of until I had to.) And to be honest I like it. Sure I sleep in weird positions now but to cuddle up with Neiko (while he still lets me) is pure love.

Speaking about sleep. I have a fitbit and it typically averages to about 6 ½ -7 hours a night. When I was younger I could live off of that just fine. Now, not so much. I have noticed my digestion gets off if I wake up too early, my hormones are out of whack, and the bags under my eyes are just growing. The real thing is the hormones. I feel off lately. My drive to do things is low, like really, really low. Writing this post was in my head for months now but the effort was just too much for me to do. So when does postpartum turn into real depression? I think I’m getting to the cusp of that line. But it has taken me this long to truly admit to myself that this was the real issue. I blamed it on sleep, resorting to old thinking habits/patterns, seasonal depression in the winter, but the truth is I’m sad. (Ps Nick I’m not mad at you at all, although I think you think that a lot of the time.) Sure I have a lot of great things happening. Nick and Neiko are the loves of my life. I have a supportive family. My health is good (besides my mental state). I can’t complain about work. I’m still working on my masters degree. I have big dreams about my career and what I should be doing/focusing on. But deep down I’m just happy to get through another day. Then I feel like I failed because I didn’t work on any of the things off the long list in my head.

I try really hard to be present with Neiko and life right now. Some days I am. Others I’m there but not there. Things are happening around me and I feel stuck in my head.

I don’t mind getting help, speaking to a therapist, I’ve done it before and will do it again. I just want other moms out there to know they are not alone. Being a mom is hard work. Being a parent is hard work. Kids are demanding, they suck the life out of you but they have this crazy way of giving it back to you too. So let’s support one another on this journey. Lets share our ups and downs together. The goods and the bads. I’m not trying to make anyone worry about me, I have steps in place to take care of myself, but I want to let people know why I’ve seemed distant or why I’ve disappeared lately, this is why. I need to do what is best for me right now. Adding extra things to overwhelm me further isn’t the best idea. Give me some time, reach out if you want (don’t expect an immediate response but I will appreciate you if you do reach out), and when I get over this I hope to me a better version of me.

Thank you for your continued love and support. I really do have some big plans for 2019 so watch out for (hopefully) some new things in the year to come.